Sometimes I wonder if life scammed us. Think about it. The years I spent studying quadratic equations, memorising the atomic number of phosphorus, and learning how to draw amoeba diagrams with shading, yet nobody taught us how to survive ‘NEPA’, negotiate with LASTMA, or handle that uncle that always says “bring your CV” but never actually opens it. Okay, I have no complaints about the last bit, considering I’m that uncle now.
But if life did have a syllabus, as a Nigerian living the Nigerian life in Nigeria, I dare say the Nigerian edition would be very different.
Allow me to present the courses:
POW 101: Power Studies (Formerly NEPA 001)
Forget Physics and Chemistry. The real science every Nigerian needs is the study of electricity supply. You’ll learn how to decode the cry of “Up NEPA!” or that “wiiiiuuuuunnnnn” from two streets away, how to charge six devices at once in five minutes before they take the light again, and how to predict whether there’ll be light during your favourite show’s season finale. Whether you pass or fail this course, a probable outcome would be learning to curse under your breath when your neighbour has light, and you don’t.
Coursework: How to Sleep in Heat Without Cursing Your Ancestors.
TRF 202: Traffic Economics and Survival Strategies
This is a core course for Lagos residents, but electives will be offered in Abuja, Port Harcourt, and Onitsha. Students will analyse topics like “The Science of Turning One Lane into Four,” “Advanced Horn Language,” and “Why Traffic Builds Up Even When There’s No Accident.” As a preview for the last topic, there’s something known as the traffic snake. Very interesting. One mumu man (or woman) can just hit the brakes for 3 seconds and cause a mile-long ‘go-slow’.
Fieldwork: Sitting in go-slow for 4 hours, then submitting a report on how many hawkers passed by selling gala and lacasera, how many had appropriate change, and how many accept transfer.
DMF 203: Danfo Mathematics
This is the algebra you need to survive. Topics include calculating change when the conductor insists he (or she) doesn’t have ₦200 notes, mastering the art of squeezing four people into two and a half seats, and the delicate balance of arguing with the conductor without falling out of the moving bus. Extra credit for surviving the conductor’s “enter with your change” policy.
PMS 301: Fuel Economics and Scarcity Studies
Every Nigerian adult should pass this. You’ll learn how to calculate generator fuel consumption in your head, how to “know someone” at the filling station, and how to join a queue without actually queuing. December exams will be the toughest, because, like clockwork, fuel will mysteriously vanish, and you’ll have to defend your thesis: “Why Nigeria Has Fuel Scarcity Even Though Nigeria Produces Fuel.”
RFD 302: Relatives and Family Drama
Welcome to your most important social survival course. Students will be trained in dodging aunties who ask why you’re not married at 33, egbon adugbos who need “urgent 2k,” and cousins who always want to just stay with you for two weeks but end up relocating permanently. There will be special seminars on “How to Collect Jollof Rice Before Disappearing from the Compound.”
NPF 305: Police, LASTMA, FRSC & Task Force Negotiation
This course is strictly practical. You’ll learn how to maintain eye contact and speak confidently when your papers are not complete. You’ll also master the universal Nigerian plea, “Oga abeg na.” By the end of the semester, you should be able to get out of a stop-and-search with your dignity intact, your phone still in your pocket, and your wallet untouched.
HSS 401: Hustle & Side Hustle Studies
Because in Nigeria, one hustle is never enough. This course prepares you to balance your 9–5 with your 5–9, plus your weekend hustle. You’ll learn how to sell Ankara, wigs, forex, and digital marketing all on the same WhatsApp status, without confusing your customers. Grading will be based on how many customers turned family you acquire by semester’s end.
FFO 403: Food Technology (Mama Put Edition)
In this course, students will study how to tell if the meat in their stew is beef or liver wey dey disguise. Core modules are “Measuring Salt Without Killing Your Guests,” and “Why Suya Always Smells More Expensive Than It Is.” Final year projects may include “An Ethnographic Study on Why Nigerians Always Cook More Rice Than Necessary.”
Also, this course is a prerequisite for FFO 406: Fine Dining in Nigeria, but I’ll let our Restaurant Review section tell you more about that.
DNP 410: Dating in Nigeria Practicals
This is a survival course in modern romance. Lessons include spotting married people masquerading in the dating pool, decoding WhatsApp statuses like “Just chilling…” and surviving Valentine’s Day on the 15th because you were actually the side chick or side guy. Coursework also includes how to survive soft-landing phrases like “It’s not you, it’s me” and “I’m not fine jor.”
At the end of this course, it is likely, if not certain that you will learn how to japa from people who are married but it’s not that serious, do ‘massage’ in Lekki for a living,’ and tech bros whose monitors are never turned on when they take pictures.
CPR 330: Corporate Lagos for Guys and Girlies
This CPR course is an elective, but you might also need CPR from time to time if you choose to do it. For the office warriors, you will learn Geometry and Agriculture; how to “circle back” and “pick low-hanging fruit” respectively. You will study the art of looking attentive on Zoom while playing Solitaire. Rest assured, you will also learn that K-P-I is not pronounced “kpi.”
MSS 220: Male Survival Studies
This one is an elective for the females but a core course for males, as it is essential for young men. You will learn how to avoid police stop-and-search harassment, why carrying two iPhones is dangerous, else you find yourself in a situation where the police stops you with your laptop, the laptop battery is dead, your documents can’t open, and you’re one abeg away from calling your pastor.
At the end of this syllabus, every Nigerian student will graduate fully prepared for life. Because honestly, if they had taught us these things in school, adulting wouldn’t have shocked us like this. But then again, na who go mark the exam? Life itself? And life no dey give expo.
Yours truly,
Prof. Agbalowomeri
Vice Chancellor Academics, HH People University
