If the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that reality no longer bothers with logic. The globe is spinning faster, the internet is louder, and breakthroughs now feel like plot twists from a writers’ room running on five hours of sleep and unlimited Red Bull.
So, in the spirit of embracing the wonderfully bizarre future ahead, here are my bold, unserious, and possibly prophetic predictions for 2026.
- Apple Debuts the iPhone Fold
After years of rumours, Apple finally unveils the iPhone Fold: a device that bends 37 different ways and costs $4,800. Reviewers declare it “a revolution in form and function,” though early adopters quickly discover its true purpose as an exquisitely overpriced drink coaster once you give up trying to unfold it.
- Human Immortality Arrives, With a Monthly Subscription Fee
A Silicon Valley startup launches cloud-based consciousness uploads for $99 a month. Forty million people sign up on day one. Servers crash immediately.
Those who managed to “die” that week find themselves resurrected inside a 2006 RuneScape private server run by a lone guy in Estonia. Customer support, unfortunately, does not extend across the afterlife.
- Earth Makes First Alien Contact
Aliens finally reach out with a short message: “y’all good?”
Humanity responds with 47 memes and an unsolicited SoundCloud link.
The aliens block Earth’s IP. NASA calls it “a predictable tragedy.”
- Burna Boy Settles Wizkid Rivalry
Nigerians held their breath as the superstar rivalry was settled with a 1v1 EAFC 27 livestreamed globally.
After nine competitive hours Burna wins. The loser must address Rema as “Daddy” for the rest of 2026.
- The Naira Becomes the World’s Strongest Currency
A Binance glitch unexpectedly skyrockets the naira to 1 NGN = $5,000 USD. Nigerians wake up as millionaires and promptly buy Twitter, Amazon, and Switzerland.
By Friday, the CBN resolves the glitch. The collective heartbreak becomes a national holiday: Millionaire Tuesday–Thursday (Friday, understandably, is omitted).
- Portable Is Appointed Minister of Transportation
His first reforms: danfos now require air conditioning and in-bus studio microphones. Any driver who beats a traffic light triggers the conductor to shout “ZAZUU!” on loudspeaker.
Road safety improves by 300% as citizens vow never to hear that twice.
- Asake Releases a Breath-Only Album
His new project, “Lungu Boy (Oxygen Deluxe),” features 42 minutes of rhythmic inhaling and exhaling. It goes triple diamond within 20 minutes. Critics hail it as “a serenity ritual in audio form.”
Olamide posts a single tear emoji on X and retires again.
- Nigeria’s Most Expensive Mistake Goes Viral
A Yahoo boy accidentally wires $10 million to a retired customs officer in Jalingo. The man withdraws everything in cash, buys 400 plots in Asokoro, and vanishes.
The Yahoo boy’s 11-hour Instagram Live crying session becomes the most-watched heartbreak in African history.
- A Viral Challenge Accidentally Saves the World
The Turn Off Your Phone for 24 Hours challenge sweeps the globe, reducing anxiety and boosting productivity. People rediscover chores, silence, and eye contact.
Everyone hated it, except millennials.
- Nigerians Invent the Perfect Generator
Running solely on firewood jollof fumes, it’s hailed as an engineering miracle. Unfortunately, it only works with Nigerian jollof, sparking immediate ECOWAS tensions.
