Forgive me: This title is a tad misdirecting because if you were to ask me what I hate about weddings, I’d say it’s pretty much everything. I’m not against people getting married o, because I just might get married too, someday and world people will start pulling receipts and saying, This you? So, consider this my disclaimer, ehen! The thing is, I have a general issue with ceremonies because they require some sort of faux orderliness that requires you to fawn over two people about to go live their own lives. Or maybe I just have an issue with things that require me to leave my house on weekends. Like, can’t we just watch on Instagram Live or Periscope (like we do now)? Anyway, there are still a few things I hate more than others (especially when I have to be on groomsman duties).
The Attention
Ugh! I know some people will come for me because I have an active social media presence so attention shouldn’t be a big deal for me, right? But here’s the thing — social media peeps aren’t necessarily in my face or space. In Naija weddings, people will be looking out for someone who is not smiling so they can mark out those who don’t have good intentions. Haba, what if I just don’t like the pastor’s time-wasting or I’m hungry? What if my shoes hurt but some overzealous aunt keeps asking me to dance? I hate being watched and it’s one of the creepiest things about weddings because all eyes are on you. I sometimes pity the couple having to deal with the spotlight, but hey some relish it because it’s what they’ve waited for their entire lives.
Shakara Bridesmaids
Ah, I get it. Being paired with a bunch of men you don’t know and have to be friendly with can be a problem. So, here’s a solution: don’t. Don’t be friendly. Don’t be nice. But you can be polite and not act like every groomsman is out there looking to slide into your inbox and start something. Nope, some of us are just there for our friends, just like you are and we can’t wait to get the day over with so we can get back to our lives where we can properly ‘womanize’ without judgment — or go back to our partners. Maybe I’m being judgmental too, but that’s the vibe I usually get when I’m on a train so…shoot me. I, however, think that meet and greet sessions with everyone on the train in attendance can help reduce the tension. If they’re not all in town, create a WhatsApp group or something that will at least make people feel less like strangers when they finally meet.
Groomsmen
This, I don’t necessarily hate. Groomsmen are mostly fun to be around till it’s time for the wedding and I have to act like I have home-training all through the church service while trying to keep a straight face as the MC keeps trying to take the piss.
And this brings me to my next points…
Church
By now, you must think of me as one bad or unserious child, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering why some church wedding services are so damn long! I’ve been to a few, and I usually find myself sneaking out to get a drink, so I won’t end up committing murder — thank the Lord for small mercies. Maybe this was why Jesus turned water to wine sef — alcohol can be a lifesaver. Some churches turn wedding ceremonies into another counselling session. See, let them take their vows, kiss and go in peace, but no, it’s also an opportunity to raise funds for replacing the choir’s piano and the pastor’s mattress. And y’all wonder why I’m frowning?
Traditional weddings though, I stan! Love everything about those, except some of those talkative, money-grubbing alagas (female MCs).
The Master of Ceremonies
I don’t like playing games in front of people I don’t know. I dance like an intoxicated giraffe so forgive me for not wanting to indulge in public, especially when I haven’t had a drink yet (it’s a contradiction, I know). So, imagine when you have an MC that wants to kick-start his comedy career in front of people who don’t care by using you as a prop? Last time out, the MC paired the bridesmaids and jus for a game where he asked them to use us as mannequins for making headties! Then he asked the guests to judge. You can imagine how that went for someone who has anxiety issues and hates surprises. If or when I get married; I’m going to give the MC a script with a warning. Should he deviate, I will make him disappear.
But another disclaimer: It’s not as if I completely detest Naija weddings o. I have a LOT of things I LOVE about weddings like:
- a) The food
- b) Drinks (must be alcohol or don’t bother inviting me. I can bring mine though).
- c) And the music, sometimes.
But hey, I can get all these at birthdays so… meh.
Don’t take me seriously though, Owambes are dope but I just enjoy being grumpy, sometimes.
