A Recipe for Surviving these Pandemic Times

Friends,

I have never liked trouble o. I do not like the idea of dying or suffering from a strange sickness in my lungs. Neither of that is about to change now. My motto is to try to survive this whole saga and to ensure my entire family, friends and village survive with me. Out of the goodness of my heart, I have compiled my personal pandemic survival strategies. Don’t say I never did anything for you o.

Here it goes.

• 500ml of water a day. Forget beauty recommendations. We’re drinking to stay alive, not flush out toxins. In fact, drink only when you’re thirsty. Try not to be too thirsty. Brethren, we do not know how long this thing will last!
• Anything that has an outside eat the inside only. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. At first, the virus couldn’t survive in the sun, then it became airborne. It has specific timelines that it lasts on different surfaces. So, anything that can touch any surface probably has no business inside your body.
• Forget hand sanitizers, the cost is criminal now. Save the buck for masks. I offer you wipes dipped in mentholated spirits. It will last a lot longer; the alcohol is more potent. The only thing you’re forgoing is the fruity scent.
• Panic buying is for wimps. You’ll need to have money when this is over. Wait, Atink it will be over, right? Yes. You already know how much you eat and shit. Buy the in-betweens—Candy, Groundnuts, biscuits, popcorns. Things that keep your mouth busy when you’re not working
• Good luck learning a life skill or new talent. But I recommend you to the basics. The anxiety will be a little overwhelming for a disease that you don’t know if you have until your lungs feel like they’re collapsing.
• While you can’t learn anything new, be busy with the old stuff and have a schedule. You need to be able to say, “this is where I was at this particular time within the parameters of my home.” Track your movement. You can’t be there spreading diseases and not be able to give an account when the time comes.
• This is not a holiday; this is winter, and we are all men of the night’s watch. Watching who goes out too often, watching who is not washing their hands, watching who is hiding a cough. If this flies over your head, I suggest you take this time to see Game of Thrones.
• My colleague wanted an isolation partner. In a country that hasn’t run adequate tests or disinfected any public spaces. You’re dead, sir.
• Protect your parents from themselves. Some of them have the cure; some of them got it from their pastors, others from their WhatsApp Group. Send them the right information as soon as they hit you with that broadcast message; that is love.
• Find one funny thing to brighten up your day. A social media account will change your life.
• Skip the news, all of it is terrible news; besides, it will find you anyway.
• While you might not learn anything new, you can form a habit. Something as simple as laying your bed as soon as you leave it. It will help you focus on something else besides the body count for the day
• Do a dance challenge. It will help you not to take yourself too seriously.
• Don’t do a dare challenge, someone shaved their eyebrows for $200. I want to believe there’s not enough money in the world for me to turn to a low budget Whoopi Goldberg. I want to think… *places hand overhead and looks into a mirror* – Let’s revisit this.
• You need a few people to check in with; in the mornings and at night. We are all in this together. I’m speaking to those that are virus-free. *shrug* sorry.
• If you cannot keep your hands off your face. Just walk into a crowd of people and call it a day. Farewell, my friend. You will be missed.

None of this might help, and some of it is just anxiety amplified, either way, thank you for coming to my kitchen. Until the next pandemic. I hope you smiled at the very least. Ciao.