Can men and women ever be “just friends”?
This is a question as old as time and as complicated as a rom-com plot. For centuries, people have debated, movies have capitalised on, and books have fantasised about the potential pitfalls of platonic relationships between men and women. And sure, in day-to-day life, men and women seem to work, hang out, and have close friendships without always jumping into something romantic. But science is here to remind us that our instincts might not be as platonic as we think.
And it’s funny because I’ve always felt that it’s possible, even while being realistic about the possibility of some romantic undercurrent. Now, I’ve been humbled, and my worst fears have been confirmed. A highly regarded study I read suggests that there might be a whole lot more bubbling beneath the surface of these “just friendships” than we’d care to admit. In other words, that harmless coffee date or study buddy relationship may be hiding some secret romantic feelings—at least on one side.
In this study, the researchers focused on 88 pairs of opposite-sex friends in a lab setting. Privacy was the top priority to prevent the awkward “oh, you feel that way about me?” discoveries. Friends were asked privately about any romantic or sexual feelings toward their study partner, ensuring their responses remained confidential and didn’t disrupt any friendships.
And boy, the results were eye-opening, and interesting: Men and women don’t see these friendships the same way. The study found that men were far more likely to feel attracted to their female friends — and they were also much more likely to believe those feelings were reciprocated. Even when the attraction was one-sided, men tended to think their female friends were just as interested. Women, on the other hand, were much less likely to feel attracted to their male friends and assumed their guy friends felt the same way (surprise, surprise!).
This difference led to some funny — and perhaps familiar—patterns. For instance, men seemed just as open to pursuing a “taken” female friend as they were a single one (smh). Women, however, were more respectful of relationship boundaries and avoided seeing attached friends as potential partners. These gendered perspectives hint that men may struggle more than women to keep things truly platonic with opposite-sex friends.
And the story doesn’t end there. In another study involving nearly 250 adults, both men and women admitted that the possibility of romantic attraction often complicates opposite-sex friendships. But here’s the twist: Men were much more likely to list romantic attraction as a “perk” of these friendships, while women mostly saw it as a downside. This preference gap only grew wider with age—older men were ten times more likely than their female counterparts to view attraction as a positive factor in their friendships.
So, can men and women be “just friends”? Maybe, but the science suggests it’s a lot easier for women to genuinely believe in pure platonic friendship than it is for men. This is funny because women never believe men who have female friends that they swear are just platonic and as I think more about it, it isn’t because they don’t trust women but because they don’t trust men. And according to this study, they are on to something.
Which also explains why palcatraz, aka, the friendzone is overpopulated by men.
Long story short, if everyone thought like women, friendship would be simple. But if everyone thought like men, we might be dealing with a much busier dating scene.
