{"id":9813,"date":"2025-10-02T12:51:15","date_gmt":"2025-10-02T11:51:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/?p=9813"},"modified":"2025-10-02T15:39:56","modified_gmt":"2025-10-02T14:39:56","slug":"grief-theres-no-right-way-to-do-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/2025\/10\/grief-theres-no-right-way-to-do-it","title":{"rendered":"Grief \u2014 There\u2019s No Right Way to Do It"},"content":{"rendered":"

In August 2010, I lost one of my closest friends, Tayo, just days after we left NYSC orientation camp in Nsit Atai, Akwa Ibom. We had been classmates at university, even graduating side by side in the rankings. Then we got our NYSC call-up and found out that we had been posted to serve in the same state. That just added fire to an inside joke we had in our first year: \u201cWhy are you always following me around?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

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We first met in our very first year as undergraduates, and a few months into our first semester, we discovered we lived in the same neighbourhood back home. I still remember us bumping into each other at Berger Bus Stop after a clash on campus forced everyone to return home. From that moment on, life seemed determined to keep us close.<\/p>\n

After camp, we both travelled back to prepare for our primary assignments. I returned to Lagos, and he went to Abuja to visit his brother. Free midnight calls were still a thing back then. One night, he mentioned he wasn\u2019t feeling too well but laughed it off. By the next morning, another friend called to say he was gone.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t make sense of it. He was young, full of life, right at the edge of his prime. For months, I lived in denial. I would think to myself, \u201cHe\u2019s just away on a trip. Any day now, he\u2019ll call.\u201d<\/em> I had nights where I\u2019d wake up feeling like I\u2019d just come off a midnight call session, like we\u2019ve been doing since our first year. Coming to terms with the fact that I\u2019d never hear his voice again was one of the hardest things I\u2019ve ever had to do.<\/p>\n

I expected we\u2019d grow old together, look for jobs, chase dreams, even meet babes and fall in love. When he died, I felt sadness, anger, and even abandonment. But on top of all that, I felt something else: like my grief was somehow wrong.<\/em> Losing a close friend was devastating, but people didn\u2019t treat you like you were going through something monumental. I caught myself wondering: \u201cWhy does this hurt me so much? Is there something wrong with the way I\u2019m grieving?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

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But here\u2019s what I\u2019ve learned since then: there is no \u201cwrong\u201d way to grieve.<\/p>\n

Grief Is Messy<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Grief doesn\u2019t follow rules or stages. For years, we leaned on Elisabeth K\u00fcbler-Ross\u2019s five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but I\u2019ve since found that it\u2019s not neat or linear. One day you\u2019re okay, the next day you\u2019re crying in the kitchen at midnight, holding a bottle of water. That\u2019s normal.<\/p>\n

Grief researchers now agree that the process is far more chaotic. Rather than neat stages, the Center for Complicated Grief identifies two broad phases: the acute phase<\/strong>, when everything feels raw and unbearable, and the integrated phase<\/strong>, when the loss becomes part of your life without completely overwhelming it.<\/p>\n

But the truth is, even years later, you can find yourself back in the middle of it. Grief softens with time, but it doesn\u2019t vanish.<\/p>\n

If your pain doesn\u2019t seem to soften at all, or if it feels like it\u2019s only getting heavier, that may be what\u2019s called \u201ccomplicated grief.\u201d And that\u2019s not a weakness; it\u2019s something that can happen to any of us. It can also be helped.<\/p>\n

Grief Lives in the Body Too<\/strong><\/p>\n

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When I pushed grief aside to \u201cbe strong\u201d or keep busy, my body reminded me. Headaches. Fatigue. Loss of appetite. Sleepless nights. Grief isn\u2019t just emotional, it\u2019s physical. If we don\u2019t give it space, our bodies carry it for us, often in painful ways.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why taking care of yourself \u2013 body and soul \u2013 matters more than ever when you\u2019re grieving.<\/p>\n

What Helped Me (and Might Help Someone Else)<\/strong><\/p>\n