Sometimes I wonder if life scammed us. Think about it. The years I spent studying quadratic equations, memorising the atomic number of phosphorus, and learning how to draw amoeba diagrams with shading, yet nobody taught us how to survive \u2018NEPA\u2019, negotiate with LASTMA, or handle that uncle that always says \u201cbring your CV\u201d but never actually opens it. Okay, I have no complaints about the last bit, considering I\u2019m that uncle now.<\/p>\n
But if life did have a syllabus, as a Nigerian living the Nigerian life in Nigeria, I dare say the Nigerian edition would be very different.<\/p>\n
Allow me to present the courses:<\/p>\n
POW 101: Power Studies (Formerly NEPA 001)<\/strong><\/p>\n Forget Physics and Chemistry. The real science every Nigerian needs is the study of electricity supply. You\u2019ll learn how to decode the cry of \u201cUp NEPA!\u201d or that \u201cwiiiiuuuuunnnnn\u201d from two streets away, how to charge six devices at once in five minutes before they take the light again, and how to predict whether there\u2019ll be light during your favourite show\u2019s season finale. Whether you pass or fail this course, a probable outcome would be learning to curse under your breath when your neighbour has light, and you don\u2019t.<\/p>\n Coursework: How to Sleep in Heat Without Cursing Your Ancestors.<\/p>\n TRF 202: Traffic Economics and Survival Strategies<\/strong><\/p>\n This is a core course for Lagos residents, but electives will be offered in Abuja, Port Harcourt, and Onitsha. Students will analyse topics like \u201cThe Science of Turning One Lane into Four,\u201d \u201cAdvanced Horn Language,\u201d and \u201cWhy Traffic Builds Up Even When There\u2019s No Accident.\u201d As a preview for the last topic, there\u2019s something known as the traffic snake. Very interesting. One mumu man (or woman) can just hit the brakes for 3 seconds and cause a mile-long \u2018go-slow\u2019.<\/p>\n Fieldwork: Sitting in go-slow for 4 hours, then submitting a report on how many hawkers passed by selling gala and lacasera, how many had appropriate change, and how many accept transfer.<\/p>\n DMF 203: Danfo Mathematics<\/strong><\/p>\n This is the algebra you need to survive. Topics include calculating change when the conductor insists he (or she) doesn\u2019t have \u20a6200 notes, mastering the art of squeezing four people into two and a half seats, and the delicate balance of arguing with the conductor without falling out of the moving bus. Extra credit for surviving the conductor\u2019s \u201center with your change\u201d policy.<\/p>\n PMS 301: Fuel Economics and Scarcity Studies<\/strong><\/p>\n Every Nigerian adult should pass this. You\u2019ll learn how to calculate generator fuel consumption in your head, how to \u201cknow someone\u201d at the filling station, and how to join a queue without actually queuing. December exams will be the toughest, because, like clockwork, fuel will mysteriously vanish, and you\u2019ll have to defend your thesis: \u201cWhy Nigeria Has Fuel Scarcity Even Though Nigeria Produces Fuel.\u201d<\/p>\n RFD 302: Relatives and Family Drama<\/strong><\/p>\n Welcome to your most important social survival course. Students will be trained in dodging aunties who ask why you\u2019re not married at 33, egbon adugbos who need \u201curgent 2k,\u201d and cousins who always want to just stay with you for two weeks but end up relocating permanently. There will be special seminars on \u201cHow to Collect Jollof Rice Before Disappearing from the Compound.\u201d<\/p>\n NPF 305: Police, LASTMA, FRSC & Task Force Negotiation<\/strong><\/p>\n This course is strictly practical. You\u2019ll learn how to maintain eye contact and speak confidently when your papers are not complete. You\u2019ll also master the universal Nigerian plea, \u201cOga abeg na.\u201d By the end of the semester, you should be able to get out of a stop-and-search with your dignity intact, your phone still in your pocket, and your wallet untouched.<\/p>\n HSS 401: Hustle & Side Hustle Studies<\/strong><\/p>\n Because in Nigeria, one hustle is never enough. This course prepares you to balance your 9\u20135 with your 5\u20139, plus your weekend hustle. You\u2019ll learn how to sell Ankara, wigs, forex, and digital marketing all on the same WhatsApp status, without confusing your customers. Grading will be based on how many customers turned family you acquire by semester\u2019s end.<\/p>\n FFO 403: Food Technology (Mama Put Edition)<\/strong><\/p>\n In this course, students will study how to tell if the meat in their stew is beef or liver wey dey disguise. Core modules are \u201cMeasuring Salt Without Killing Your Guests,\u201d and \u201cWhy Suya Always Smells More Expensive Than It Is.\u201d Final year projects may include \u201cAn Ethnographic Study on Why Nigerians Always Cook More Rice Than Necessary.\u201d<\/p>\n Also, this course is a prerequisite for FFO 406: Fine Dining in Nigeria, but I\u2019ll let our Restaurant Review section tell you more about that.<\/p>\n DNP 410: Dating in Nigeria Practicals<\/strong><\/p>\n This is a survival course in modern romance. Lessons include spotting married people masquerading in the dating pool, decoding WhatsApp statuses like \u201cJust chilling\u2026\u201d and surviving Valentine\u2019s Day on the 15th because you were actually the side chick or side guy. Coursework also includes how to survive soft-landing phrases like \u201cIt\u2019s not you, it\u2019s me\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m not fine jor.\u201d<\/p>\n At the end of this course, it is likely, if not certain that you will learn how to japa from people who are married but it\u2019s not that serious, do \u2018massage\u2019 in Lekki for a living,\u2019 and tech bros whose monitors are never turned on when they take pictures.<\/p>\n CPR 330: Corporate Lagos for Guys and Girlies<\/strong><\/p>\n This CPR course is an elective, but you might also need CPR from time to time if you choose to do it. For the office warriors, you will learn Geometry and Agriculture; how to \u201ccircle back\u201d and \u201cpick low-hanging fruit\u201d respectively. You will study the art of looking attentive on Zoom while playing Solitaire. Rest assured, you will also learn that K-P-I is not pronounced \u201ckpi.\u201d<\/p>\n MSS 220: Male Survival Studies <\/strong><\/p>\n This one is an elective for the females but a core course for males, as it is essential for young men. You will learn how to avoid police stop-and-search harassment, why carrying two iPhones is dangerous, else you find yourself in a situation where the police stops you with your laptop, the laptop battery is dead, your documents can\u2019t open, and you\u2019re one abeg away from calling your pastor.<\/p>\n At the end of this syllabus, every Nigerian student will graduate fully prepared for life. Because honestly, if they had taught us these things in school, adulting wouldn\u2019t have shocked us like this. But then again, na who go mark the exam? Life itself? And life no dey give expo.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Yours truly,<\/p>\n Prof. Agbalowomeri<\/p>\n Vice Chancellor Academics, HH People University<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Sometimes I wonder if life scammed us. Think about it. The years I spent studying quadratic equations, memorising the atomic number of phosphorus, and learning how to draw amoeba diagrams with shading, yet nobody taught us how to survive \u2018NEPA\u2019, negotiate with LASTMA, or handle that uncle that always says \u201cbring your CV\u201d but never […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":9783,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[33],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9782","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-features"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9782","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9782"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9782\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9785,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9782\/revisions\/9785"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9783"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9782"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9782"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9782"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}