{"id":5038,"date":"2020-10-01T21:14:25","date_gmt":"2020-10-01T21:14:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/?p=5038"},"modified":"2020-10-01T21:14:25","modified_gmt":"2020-10-01T21:14:25","slug":"why-i-dont-like-nigerian-weddings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/2020\/10\/why-i-dont-like-nigerian-weddings","title":{"rendered":"Why I Don’t Like Nigerian Weddings"},"content":{"rendered":"

Forgive me: This title is a tad misdirecting because if you were to ask me what I hate about weddings, I\u2019d say it\u2019s pretty much everything. I\u2019m not against people getting married o, because I just might get married too, someday and world people will start pulling receipts and saying, This you? So, consider this my disclaimer, ehen!\u00a0 The thing is, I have a general issue with ceremonies because they require some sort of faux orderliness that requires you to fawn over two people about to go live their own lives. Or maybe I just have an issue with things that require me to leave my house on weekends. Like, can\u2019t we just watch on Instagram Live or Periscope (like we do now)?<\/em> Anyway, there are still a few things I hate more than others (especially when I have to be on groomsman duties).<\/p>\n

The Attention<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ugh! I know some people will come for me because I have an active social media presence so attention shouldn\u2019t be a big deal for me, right? But here\u2019s the thing \u2014 social media peeps aren\u2019t necessarily in my face or space. In Naija weddings, people will be looking out for someone who is not smiling so they can mark out those who don\u2019t have good intentions. Haba, what if I just don\u2019t like the pastor\u2019s time-wasting or I\u2019m hungry? What if my shoes hurt but some overzealous aunt keeps asking me to dance? I hate being watched and it\u2019s one of the creepiest things about weddings because all eyes are on you. I sometimes pity the couple having to deal with the spotlight, but hey some relish it because it\u2019s what they\u2019ve waited for their entire lives.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shakara Bridesmaids<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ah, I get it. Being paired with a bunch of men you don\u2019t know and have to be friendly with can be a problem. So, here\u2019s a solution: don\u2019t. Don\u2019t be friendly. Don\u2019t be nice. But you can be polite and not act like every groomsman is out there looking to slide into your inbox and start something. Nope, some of us are just there for our friends, just like you are and we can\u2019t wait to get the day over with so we can get back to our lives where we can properly \u2018womanize\u2019 without judgment \u2014 or go back to our partners. Maybe I\u2019m being judgmental too, but that\u2019s the vibe I usually get when I\u2019m on a train so\u2026shoot me. I, however, think that meet and greet sessions with everyone on the train in attendance can help reduce the tension. If they\u2019re not all in town, create a WhatsApp group or something that will at least make people feel less like strangers when they finally meet.<\/p>\n

Groomsmen<\/strong><\/p>\n

This, I don\u2019t necessarily hate. Groomsmen are mostly fun to be around till it\u2019s time for the wedding and I have to act like I have home-training all through the church service while trying to keep a straight face as the MC keeps trying to take the piss.<\/p>\n

And this brings me to my next points\u2026<\/p>\n

Church<\/strong><\/p>\n

By now, you must think of me as one bad or unserious child, but that doesn\u2019t stop me from wondering why some church wedding services are so damn long! I\u2019ve been to a few, and I usually find myself sneaking out to get a drink, so I won\u2019t end up committing murder \u2014 thank the Lord for small mercies. Maybe this was why Jesus turned water to wine sef \u2014 alcohol can be a lifesaver. Some churches turn wedding ceremonies into another counselling session. See, let them take their vows, kiss and go in peace, but no, it\u2019s also an opportunity to raise funds for replacing the choir\u2019s piano and the pastor\u2019s mattress. And y\u2019all wonder why I\u2019m frowning?<\/p>\n

Traditional weddings though, I stan! Love everything about those, except some of those talkative, money-grubbing alagas<\/em> (female MCs).<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Master of Ceremonies<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t like playing games in front of people I don\u2019t know. I dance like an intoxicated giraffe so forgive me for not wanting to indulge in public, especially when I haven\u2019t had a drink yet (it\u2019s a contradiction, I know). So, imagine when you have an MC that wants to kick-start his comedy career in front of people who don\u2019t care by using you as a prop? Last time out, the MC paired the bridesmaids and jus for a game where he asked them to use us as mannequins for making headties! Then he asked the guests to judge. You can imagine how that went for someone who has anxiety issues and hates surprises. If or when I get married; I\u2019m going to give the MC a script with a warning. Should he deviate, I will make him disappear.<\/p>\n

But another disclaimer: It\u2019s not as if I completely detest Naija weddings o. I have a LOT of things I LOVE about weddings like:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. a) The food<\/li>\n
  2. b) Drinks (must be alcohol or don\u2019t bother inviting me. I can bring mine though).<\/li>\n
  3. c) And the music, sometimes.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    But hey, I can get all these at birthdays so\u2026 meh.<\/p>\n

    Don\u2019t take me seriously though, Owambes are dope but I just enjoy being grumpy, sometimes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Forgive me: This title is a tad misdirecting because if you were to ask me what I hate about weddings, I\u2019d say it\u2019s pretty much everything. I\u2019m not against people getting married o, because I just might get married too, someday and world people will start pulling receipts and saying, This you? So, consider this […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5039,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[33],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5038","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-features"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5038","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5038"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5038\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5040,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5038\/revisions\/5040"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5039"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5038"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5038"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.heirsholdings.com\/hhpeople\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5038"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}